A Coupla Things

So I was down at Southcenter this week, doing a little maternity clothes shopping at Old Navy and Target. May I just say that Target's Liz Lange maternity clothes ROCK - they are so cute and stylish and don't make me feel like a bargain basement pregnant lady. Old Navy was a little bit frumped out and rag-tag, but I should mention that it looked like they were about to set out a bunch of new merchandise (staff were very busy unpacking boxes) on the day I was there, so we'll see.

I have an issue with most maternity jeans. I do not understand how so many of them can be this "demi-panel" and get away with it. Can women actually wear this without their pants falling down every time they bend over or sit? I cannot. Call me Grandma, but I just love the "full panel," over-the-belly stuff. It gives the pants something to hold onto when my waist goes away. The other advantage is that when you wear the over-the-belly panels, you don't have nasty elastic lines showing under your clothes at your mid-belly (or, your "demi-belly"). I'm all about smooth silhouettes. If I'm going to have a big, beautiful belly, I want people to look at that and think about what a gorgeous pregnant woman I am. I do not want them to wonder what tricks are going on under my fabulous maternity tunic. The whole demi-panel thing sucks because all of the stylish choices in maternity jeans are made with this kind of panel. It's like the industry thinks that if you're going for the full panel, you've completely given up on style. Not so! Au contraire!

I ended up buying a pair of full-panel jeans online at oldnavymaternity.com. They're okay - your basic boot-cut antique wash. Ho-hum. I was hoping for a dark wash, straight leg style, so I could look a little less suburban. But when you're only shelling out $24.95 or so for jeans (and also when you're shopping at Southcenter shopping center in Tukwila), you're kind of in the suburban pickings zone, I realize. Liz Lange didn't even offer any full panel jeans styles, so I got what I could get.

All of this is to get to the following point: They are opening a Nordstrom Rack at Southcenter tomorrow!!!! Hooray!! I was driving by all of that new construction that's going in on my way to Old Navy, and I almost had an accident when I saw the Nordstrom Rack sign, shining like a beacon in the distance. I drove around and around, trying to get through the construction fences to catch a glimpse of the new mecca, but when I finally got in and parked in the crispy new parking lot, the store was, alas, still not open. I hauled my daughter up to the front window and peered inside, trying to see if they had a children's department, if they had women's dresses, anything. But it was pretty hard to see past the stacks of boxes and racks of hangers. Now back in the day I would have been there, in my car, at 6:30am with a cup of coffee and a piece of blueberry coffee cake, listening to the radio, and waiting with all the other die-hards for the place to open up tomorrow morning at 7:45am. I would probably have even skipped work for such an event (I was definitely known to do such things - especially when the Rack had their annual small designer shoe event, for sizes 5-6 only. Although I never have been a match for those tiny-footed, tough-as-nails Asian fashion mavens). This time I'll bide my time, however. It's just not worth it anymore. I don't want to say that having my daughter along takes most of the joy out of shopping for me, but I'll say it anyway. It sucks. She starts howling and lashing out the minute she catches a whiff of the leather and the fluorescent lights, and won't stop until we're back on the highway toward home. No fun. Now I shop like a madwoman, whipping through racks and picking out things that look vaguely attractive, throwing them in my cart. And forget about trying anything on, though I was lucky enough to have this opportunity for about six minutes the other day at Target, thanks to the popcorn they so ingeniously sell at the front. I swear to God, I would pay $10 for a little bag of that popcorn, just to get the peace that comes from slipping a few items over my head and taking a more-than cursory look at my appearance in the mirror once in a while.

So that's a major event in fashion for those of us who live on the South-West side. The other thing I wanted to note is that there is a new maternity shop on California Ave., south side of the Junction, close to that C&P Coffee place. It's called On The Way Maternity, and I checked it out the other day, too. They don't seem to have a website yet, but their address is 5446 California Ave SW, Seattle 98136, phone (206)938-2229. They have some nice things - they carry Olian and some other bigger higher-end maternity brands, but they also have a lot of brands I've never heard of and some really cute ideas. Most of their stuff looked to be between about $40-100, so more expensive than I would pay for most maternity things, but definitely lower prices than A Pea in the Pod (racket!) or Village Maternity. I appreciated that they carry a number of maternity swimsuits, even though it's not swimsuit season, so you know you always have a place to go if you're going on vacation or need something for swim lessons.

That's all for now. Happy shopping, pregnant ladies!

September Morn

My daughter is sleeping as hard as she can right now, catching up from a day of running around the beach on Whidbey Island with her cousins and all of the excitement of trying to process everyone she met at my husband's family's mini family reunion out there. She is quite the social butterfly, ever concerned with where everyone is, how everyone is doing, and whether they need a "big hug." She wore herself out, poor thing. I wore myself out yesterday, too, being stressed about spending time with my husband's relatives and whether or not they would like my guacamole or my orzo salad (they always do like my dishes - why do I worry about this?) and whether one of his aunts would get in my business and say something terribly rude and offensive to me (she always does - why do I worry about this?). I guess I was just anticipating having to be "on" the whole day long (i.e., smiling appropriately and making sure I don't have lettuce in my teeth or a stain on my boob, limiting my political commentary and/or not stating that George W. Bush is a big fat dummy, and taking care not to say things like, "Why of course I modeled nude in college - it was for art!", plus chasing after my baby and trying to make sure she got SOME rest throughout the day so that she didn't erupt into tears at the drop of a hat or smack one of said aunties in the face because she was SO exhausted). But of course, it all went fine. I think I got out of there only mildly offending some of the Catholics/Republicans.

Anyway, these mornings when she sleeps in are so, so sweet for me. Now that the summer's activities finally seem to be winding down, I can actually sit back with my delicious americano (thanks, baby) and enjoy the weather we're having. It's the perfect temperature today - there's not too much sun yet, but the air is mild and pleasant. And the smell in the air - I always say it smells like California when it smells like this. I grew up spending a few weeks every summer at my grandparents' house in L.A. I woke up every morning there to the smell of their home, my grampy's Winston cigarettes and my grandmother's piles of fabrics next to the sewing machine in the sunlight. Their house was filled with beautiful, musty pieces from their young life in New England, and my grandmother flung the windows and doors open every morning to capture some of the last cool air. The smell of California for me is that smell - a cozy house with fresh iced tea in the refrigerator, a new jug of Arrowhead water in the dispenser, cat food in the bowl on top of the washing machine off the kitchen, and the essence of the sun warming all the world outside, promising another day filled with small adventures.

I can smell that smell now almost. I can smell the water and the salt. I can hear the sea lions far off barking to each other like that's the most natural thing to do right in the middle of a huge city on a Monday morning. I see a hummingbird out my back window and I wonder if many of these birds are going to try and get down to California before long.

Gaining

I went to see my OB for a checkup last Wednesday, and it's taken me until now to write about it. Because I have mixed feelings, but the primary feeling in the mix is crappy. No, no, no - the baby is fine. Everything's dandy there - my OB heard a heartbeat (I didn't hear it, but she heard it, so that's okay) and all else looks good with my little 5 cm. progeny. It's me. Or, as she put it as she clucked her tongue and shook her head at me from her seat in the examining room, it's my weight. She said that she was concerned that I had gained 44 lbs. during my last pregnancy, and that I hadn't lost it all before getting pregnant again. She said that for my height (about 5'2"), I should really be getting down to less than 120 lbs. after this pregnancy, and that she didn't want to see me gain more than 30 lbs. this time around.

I keep going around and around with this in my head. You see, it would be one thing if I was an overweight person to begin with. But I am not. I will be the first to admit that I gained too much weight during my last pregnancy, and that I certainly learned my lesson the hard way (those last 10-12 lbs. never did get off). I was already planning to be more vigilant about what I was eating during this pregnancy (i.e., forego the daily Ben & Jerry's chocolate milkshake and frequent stops at Jack in the Box for cheeseburgers in favor of tuna fish sandwiches or salads and glasses of water or milk). I now know that pregnancy is not a license for me to eat indiscriminately - nothing really is - and that eventually I will have to pay. But so far in this pregnancy - that is to say, in my first twelve weeks or so - in spite of my Lorna Doone frolics, I have gained around 3-4 lbs. (as opposed to 15 lbs. in my first trimester last time around), and I was feeling pretty good about myself. But no - I was shot down by my teensy-weensy, marathon-running doc who is treating me like I am a fatty. I felt like I was in the fifties or something!

It is a very fine line we women walk, I realize, when we begin arguing with our doctors about our weight (or telling our husbands or friends or our blog audience about all the things we wish we could have said to that bitch). Inevitably, we sound hyper-defensive and whiny and like we're about to make a gazillion excuses. But I'm feeling pissed off, and I think rightfully so. You see, I follow the BMI guidelines for weight versus height, because I feel that this is the most objective and simple way to determine a healthy weight for height. The other reason I follow this is because this is what doctors supposedly refer to in order to determine if a person needs to take extra steps to manage their weight. According to the BMI chart, I have managed to stay pretty much within a "healthy" or "normal" weight range for my height. And now I am pregnant, and I was planning to try really hard to gain within the "recommended" 25-35 pounds for a woman of normal weight. The point is, I had studied all of this - I had made a concerted effort to prepare myself for the changes in my body in this pregnancy - and I felt like my doctor treated me like I had no idea what was going on and I was just going into this pregnancy carelessly. She never asked me once what I was doing for exercise, what kinds of foods I was eating, etc. She just got bent out of shape about the number on the scale.

My doctor also didn't ask me, before launching into her speech about my weight and how much I was gaining, if I had ever had an eating disorder before, which I found most alarming. I actually haven't, and I am fortunate to have gained a fairly healthy attitude about eating and weight and food in my life, but I have encountered many, many women who do have a wide range of issues with eating. I also know that pregnancy and the inevitable weight gain that accompanies it can be quite a trial for someone who has gone to extreme measures to control her weight in the past. Add to this a doctor telling you that you are headed toward FAT if you don't exercise more control, and in some women this might trigger an all-out recurrence of their disordered eating behavior, leading to innumerable risks for the growing baby (not to mention the mama). Of course I checked, on the initial questionnaire, that I do not have an eating disorder, and the doctor may have reviewed this before talking to me, but I imagine that many women who do have a problem would also check "no" in order to avoid another confrontation/counseling session with a professional.

The point is, I felt that all of this that happened was very irresponsible on my doctor's part, and I am pissed off at her and wondering if I should go to the trouble of switching doctors at this point. I realize, however, that no matter what I do, what she said is now going to stick with me and needle at me throughout this pregnancy and beyond. Even if I do succeed at gaining 30 lbs. or less, I will be haunted as I try to take the weight off that maybe I won't be able to get it all off again, and then even if I do, that I won't be able to get down to 120 - the magic number that my doctor spewed. I have not weighed 120 since the 7th grade! That number seems unrelated to any BMI chart or anything I have ever seen. It sounds, again, like some ideal that girls learned, in whispers, in the 1950's - "You musn't let your weight get above 120, or your husband will stray, darling." There is the side of me that knows that what she said is at some level irrational and extreme and not exactly for me, and that's what I try to focus on. But there is another side of me that freaks out every once in a while that what she said was actually the gospel truth, and that I must trust her judgment and her comments as she is a highly-educated, experienced medical professional. After all, why would she just want to make me feel bad? She has an interest, doesn't she, in retaining me as a patient?

I think the term "eating disorder" is interesting. It conjures up images of Karen Carpenter or Paula Abdul or, for me, perfectly-tanned, blonde Connecticut girls in pearls and cashmere sweater sets eating their salads with lemon juice and a cup of tea day after day in the dining hall at my prestigious New England college. And I all-too readily said, just above, that I do not have an eating disorder. But I am inordinately concerned with my doctor's comments, made almost a week ago now, about my weight. In fact, my husband might say I am "obsessing," and he would probably be right. Though I do feel that my attitude about food and weight is generally healthy, I know that I can get caught up in other people's determinations about what a "good" or "healthy" body looks like or measures up to (or down to). I think that women in this society are severely patronized about this issue. We are told not to worry about our weight so much, and everyone knows that supermodels are freakishly tall and thin and we should just love ourselves, etc., etc., but isn't it a shame about Judy, who's had three kids and she used to have such a nice figure and now she's really gained a lot of weight. Or Allison, who would probably feel better about herself and get some dates if she could just drop a few pounds. Or back to my last post, where a woman who is beautiful and slender to boot "probably has an eating disorder." It's like this great farce. Do we or don't we feel that women should just be themselves and be healthy? And what does healthy really mean to each one of us?

I will say that my doctor's comments have freaked me out to the extent that I am giving much extra thought to what I put in my body now. And I am surely eating more healthfully as a result, even as I gain. I will try not to worry, I say. I will focus on having the healthiest baby possible and nothing else matters. But I will put out there that it is almost impossible even for the most confident of women to hear a negative comment about their bodies, their weight, and not carry that comment around in their sack of woes, of "can'ts," for a long time after. My sack was really lightening of late, but now I am huffing and puffing from the extra weight.